Friendly bacteria, my ass

(the title is for, TL. hope you're feeling better)
I'm still seething at the stupidity of the punk ass bitch who just so happens to be my TA for the semester. Watch me grit my teeth as I pretend to be nice to the soulless bastard. Instead of walking down to his office and beating him to a pulp using my awesome hybrid ninja-pirate skills, I choose to take out my aggression on consumer goods.

My therapist calls this progress.

I was reading the contents on the container of my Dannon yogurt and found something silly. There’s a list, a top 7 if you will, of the “reasons to enjoy Dannon today and for tomorrow”.

I present to you dear reader, verbatum...the reasons.

1. Be fit. Contains calcium which can help with weight management
2. Be vital. Is a good source of protein for muscle maintenance
3. Be comfortable. Has active cultures that help milk digestion
4. Be strong. Has calcium, essential for strong bones
5. Be nourished. Contains important nutrients for children’s growth
6. Be proactive. Provides friendly bacteria for your digestive tract
7. Be happy! Is a great-tasting and satisfying part of your healthy diet.

Read carefully.

Now, here are my issues. (allow me, once again, to get all John McLaughlin on you good people)

Issue 1: Numbers 1 and 3 are arguing for the same ingredient, calcium, just in different ways

Issue 2: The active cultures ARE bacteria, so numbers 3 and 6 are the same.

Issue 3: The important nutrients? Calcium and protein. So, there goes number 5.

Thus the actual number of reasons to eat Dannon yogurt are three.

1. Has nutrients
2. Has bacteria
3. Tastes yummy

Don’t let them fool you. Bastards, each and every one.