I had an epiphany last night. But, for me, these rare moments of clarity are sponsored by some very unpleasant realizations.
(Highly relevant tangent: two years ago at my JOB, I saw a rather large bumblebee hanging out in the lounge, obviously trying to get out. Since my policy on killing insects is "if it's cute, I try not to kill it", I grabbed a styrofoam cup and trapped the bee inside the cup. I took the cup outside and freed the bee. Nice story huh? Well, I learned a really important lesson from that seemingly simple experience because I worried if the bee was anxious while it was trapped.)
Here's the lesson: in order to obtain true freedom, one must endure a bit of imprisonment. The trick is figuring out what is holding us back, because what impales us with fear or anxiety is often invisible to us.
Flash forward to last night. I was chatting with my sister and I came to a complete and total understanding that my mother would much rather give her time and energy to those who could care less about her. All of my feelings of being rejected had hit me like a stone wall: I got really upset and wanted to confront my mom about this. Ask her why if she could spend all of her love and attention on people who just use her, then why couldn't she give me just a little bit especially when I want nothing else. After some more reflection and thinking, I am starting to realize that seeking approval and attention from my mom was one of my prisons. Even just realizing this has released some emotional tension and this new feeling is...freeing.
Buzzing off, :) LJS
PS...check out the photographs of Dick Dokas