19 April 2006

Release your inner ninja

Daniel-san writes so well that I can't help to contemplate grabbing some ninja jammies of my own. Enjoy his fine fine literary musings. If he's agreeable, I'll post more of his writing. But, hopefully he'll soon join the esurient mass of bloggers.
Setting sail, stealthly and in my jammies...
:) LJS


By Daniel

Today, I have nothing to do. Well, I do, but my boss is on vacation

and when the cat is away, the mice will play. This is true in even

amongst the hardest groups of workers. Since I am stuck here in front

of my brain sucking computer, I thought I might share a few thoughts I

have had recently in an effort to get them out, make sense of them, and

then laugh at them. My wife says I have a sick sense of humor and often

wonders whether she should laugh or worry, so to clarify, you all may

laugh. No need to worry.

A few days ago, a member of a message board I was on posted an

aggravated question about his new neighbors and their desire to ride

un-muffled dirt bikes at one in the morning, and what he should do to

stop them. The suggestions that followed were those from every walk of

life (religious preference, ethnic background, law breaking, law

abiding, etc.). My suggestion? Learn the ways of the Ninja.

While the various people argued (people argue over anything

nowadays) back and forth over their beliefs, I plugged away with my

philosophy on what should be done. Mostly from a humorous standpoint.

My thoughts were well received by the originator, but as most people do,

the over-analytical political correctness of today's American took over

and my thoughts were discounted. To each his own. I sat back and

watched as the "love thy neighbor" crowd got their butt kicked by the

"kick his ass" crowd, and then trampled every rational idea in between.

It is just like us to argue so much that we move from the original

problem and begin attacking each other on a personal level. Which of

course leaves the individual with the problem standing there, shaking

their head in disbelief, and of course with no solution.

You are probably asking what this has to do with the Ninja. Well, in

reality, nothing. It is simply just a state of mind on how to deal with

a pesky neighbor. The Ninja today is more commonly acquainted with

something one may see on Saturday morning cartoons, or in a video game,

but the actual history of the Ninja is shrouded in secrecy. Today's

versions are merely modern interpretation of fables dating back 1100

years. In fact, the word Ninjitsu, which the word Ninja is derived

from, means "the art of stealth," and I can see where this could be

handy in dealing with the annoyance in question. You see, there is

nothing funnier than watching someone (the annoyance) get up quickly and

look around dumbfounded wondering what happened to them. Sort of like

falling flat on your face and then getting up to see if anyone saw it

happen. I think the art of stealth is a much more fun and satisfying

way to rid yourself of the pestilence next door. Some may argue that it

would be sinking to the level of said individual, and that the police

should be called or ask him nicely to stop, but I say, fight fire with

fire. Release your inner Ninja.

In the case of the midnight motocross, one could play many tricks to

curtail this behavior in the future, and not even break the law. The

first thing you will need is jammies. Yes, that's right, Ninja jammies.

Those solid black outfits that give the true Ninja his stealth. But

lets get creative. There is a certain creepiness about running around

in the woods at night, and even the most boozed up motorcycle rider as

invincible as they may seem, can easily have the bejesus scared out of

them. So along with your jammies, you'll need a ghoulish mask.

Something realistic. Next time Knievil gets on his bike for a midnight

cruise, don your outfit and head out into the woods. The biggest part

of the plan at this point is to figure your escape route. This is most

important as a true Ninja will never be apprehended. Once you have

figured out the plan, find a tree or any suitable shrubbery and hide

behind it. When the biker comes along, with perfect Ninja skill and

timing, jump towards the motorcycle, but not in front. Although you must

be seen to get the full effect of the scare, it would only be

momentarily, and will leave a lasting impression. Do not wait to see if

your plan worked, as escape in the opposite direction of your home is

more important. You will know your plan worked when the motorcycle goes

back inside never to be heard from again unless the sun is out. Then

sit back and revel in your success. Your spouse will wonder what you

are constantly snickering at, but you must never tell as a Ninja never

reveals his secrets.

***This article was written only as a parody. The world of the Ninja

can be very dangerous, and the writer assumes no responsibility for

injuries occured while attemping. Do not try this at home.

Professional driver on closed course. All models are over 18. Objects

in mirror are closer than they appear. If rash occurs, discontinue use

and seek professional medical treatment. This product not 100 percent

effective against preventing pregnancy.***


Dragon said...

I think I just developed a little crush on Daniel.

Tracy Lynn said...

The only thing that has ever prevented me from being a ninja is my total inability to be stealthy. Thus, the pirate life for me.

Yeah, look at the brain on Daniel. Whoof.

Lady Jane Scarlett said...

Tracy Lynn, I agree that my utter lack of stealth has prevented me from being a true ninja. That said, I still think that we can get away with wearing the jammies!
Dragon, Join the harem! Daniel-san is impossible to resist!